


Holding Hands in the Rain

by SnowWhiteSummer, teatime



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2017-12-31 19:40:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowWhiteSummer/pseuds/SnowWhiteSummer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/teatime/pseuds/teatime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reita and Ruki had been happy once, they could go back, couldn't they...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there everyone! :)  
> This is a collab with teatime, the first work we're publishing here and actually a birthday present. :) So all the best again, darling, just in case you stumble upon this posting. :*  
> We hope you'll like it; comments are always appreciated. :)
> 
> Lots of love,
> 
> SnowWhiteSummer and teatime

Everything was hot.  
He still felt the flood light all over his body; sweat was trickling down his temples, his clothes were sticking to his skin messily.  
In his head, the music was still pounding along with the hammering of his heart, caused by too much endorphine, excitement and used up energy.

Ruki felt as if he could fly and crash down at the same time and any second.

The dim lights backstage kept flickering again and his body convulsed with violent shivers, the cold running down his spine, clawing at his bones, the heat still covering every inch of his skin with sweat, forcing his knees to shake.

Panting slightly, Ruki steadied himself at the wall of the room gazing over to his fellow band members, noticing Uruha and Aoi chatting away while Kai kept talking to some random staff member Ruki couldn’t decipher through the blurry fog that kept ensueing his view.  
Pushing himself off the wall, he stumbled forward, catching Reita’s gaze at the exact moment.  
Recognizing the worry the other kept not well enough hidden in his view, Ruki opened his mouth to speak, the realization that Reita at least slighty cared for his state causing a smile to graze his lips, before he felt his legs buckle and his whole body collapsing, pitch-black darkness enveloping his mind, drawing away the last remains of the consciousness he had left.  
_

Reita froze to the spot as Rukis body hit the floor with full force. 

Hearing the dull sound, everybody’s heads turned instantly.  
“Ruki?!”, Aoi gasped while Kai was already on his way, rushing over towards the other man on the ground, kneeling down next to him. “God, Ruki, what happened?”, Kai hisssed.  
Aoi and Uruha had followed as well, rushing over to Ruki, worry painting their faces.

They were all trying to wake him up, shaking Ruki’s shoulder and even feeling his pulse, just to be sure. Two staff members had shown up as well to make sure the situation was under control.

Reita, though, hadn’t moved at all, it seemed.  
He was still standing at the wall across the room, frozen to the spot – with his eyes wide and one hand curled into a first, his lips pressed together tightly and every muscle in his body tense. But he didn’t move, didn’t say anything, didn’t try to help – just stood there at the other side of the room and stared.  
“Damn it, Reita, why the fuck are you just standing there?”, Aoi yelled. The harsh sound made the bassist flinch, but instead of answering, he just kept his mouth shut, lips pressed into a thin, white line.

Uruha was staring at him as well, giving Reita a confused – maybe angry? – look. Reita swallowed, his hands both curled into fists now. Then, he simply turned his back on them and left the room. Without saying a word. 

“What –“, Uruha started and broke off, his eyes on the door that was just closing behind Reita. Kai just shook his head in disbelief.  
“Come on, we – what’s wrong with Ruki?”, he asked instead, obviously trying to keep his voice calm. Uruha nodded slowly, confusion and shock written all over his face.

Somebody cleared his throat. “Uhm, here, maybe that helps”, the staff member next to Kai said, holding up a cold, wet towel. Kai thanked him and took it, starting to wipe Ruki’s face with it – carefully, patting his forehead softly with the damp cloth.  
There was a somewhat nervous silence in the room; the staff member who had brought the towel shuffled his feet, glancing over at the closed door, probably evaluating wether to call an ambulance or not; Uruha and Aoi were both still kneeling next to Ruki; watching Kai silently, insecure of what to do.

Suddenly, the silence was interrupted by a muffled sound, a low groan. Kai’s hand froze on Ruki’s forehead, the cold towel stopping in his movements.

Ruki groaned again, furrowing his brow; slowly, his eyes opened, just a crack at first. “Ruki?”, Aoi asked carefully, and Ruki furrowed his brow again. Very slowly, he moved, slowly trying to sit up. But before anybody could help him, his body gave up again and Ruki was back on the ground with a hiss of pain, his eyelids fluttering shut again.

“R-ruki?”, Kai mumbled, touching the vocalist’s shoulder carefully. He didn’t react. They were silent again, all of them watching Ruki closely. Finally, Kai spoke up again. 

“We should… take him somewhere safer. Somewhere he can rest…”, he said.  
Uruha nodded. “Uhm, yes”, he agreed slowly. Kai turned to look at him, then at Aoi. “Did one of you happen come here by car?”, he asked.  
Aoi shook his head, a slightly dull and probably shocked look on his face keeping him from talking. 

“Y-yes, I did,” Uruha remarked, his voice trembling. “I-I can take him with me,”, he added with a concerned look towards Ruki.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On and on we go! :)

Scooping Ruki’s more or less lifeless body up, Uruha glanced cautiously at Kai, who just  
motioned him to go on, mouthing an encouragement, trying to be brave for both of them.  
Uruha couldn’t quite erase the worry written all over his face but smiled back, holding Ruki just a little bit tighter when he felt the slight shivers of the others body, causing Ruki’s breathing against his neck to unsettle slightly.

Ruki’s body was still hot and fever-ridden when Uruha lowered him carefully on the sheets of his own bed. Looking closely for any sign of discomfort or pain he scanned the others expression, but noticed with relieve that Ruki’s breath was coming in calm and peaceful patterns, his chest heaving and sinking in a steady rhythm, his whole body settling down slowly.  
With a sigh, Uruha covered Ruki’s forehead with a wet towel and sat next to him, having neither the heart nor the nerves to interupt the other’s sleep, knowing the rest was well needed; exhaustion would catch up with him soon enough again.  
In search for fresh air and some time to get his own thoughts sorted out he decided to go for a walk around the block, giving Ruki the space and the rest he obviously needed right now.  
Glancing over to the vocalist’s sleeping form again, Uruha closed the door carefully, breathed in deeply and took off on the road.

 

* * *

 

When he slowly cracked his eyes open, the first thing Ruki noticed was the pitch-black darkness still enveloping him, paired with a smell that was suprisingly fresh.  
He moved his body and felt warm, soft cotton on his skin, his still pounding head rested on a fluffy pillow - something was wrong. Ruki heaved his upper body up and realized he was only wearing his shirt and his briefs, so someone had stripped him, tucked him in and even left a wet towel on his forehead, having been dropped in the process and now creating a wet patch on top of the covers.  
The curtains of the window next to him were opened slightly, moonlight falling through the gap between the cloth.  
His head still pounding painfully, Ruki supported his head with his hands, running his fingers through his hair, he felt the memories slowly creeping out of the shadows, revealing themselves in front of him.  
He remembered the heat and the dizzyness and he remembered losing control, his body breaking down, the aching caused by the impact still tangible in his bones.  
Kai’s voice was still in his head, the blurry figure of Aoi next to him emerged and Ruki was sure that at some point he had grabbed Uruha’s shirt in some kind of embrace.  
The only one he didn’t remember was Reita though.  
No voice, no touch, only the odd look he had given him shortly before everything went black.  
But surely that was just because he had lost his conciousness, Reita wouldn’t have left him lying there, right? Reita had worried about him, he knew that, so he would have taken care of his lifeless body, Ruki just hadn’t noticed him… Sure…  
Huffing at his own lack of persuasion, Ruki grabbed fists full of hair and pulled at the roots out of pure desperation.  
Of course Reita had not rushed over to him, how stupid could one be? They were past the point of caring, even just as friends, their happy ever after was out of reach without question and Ruki knew that. He knew it, goddammit; no need to fool onself in false hopes and make believes.  
Groaning, Ruki untangled himself from the sheets and lifted himself up, noticing Uruha’s short note on the bedside table. Well, at least he had been right about probably being at Uruha’s.  
With a small scoff the note was passed aside and Ruki wandered the flat rather aimlessly, thoughts of Reita constanly invading his mind, causing his heart to clench and the urge to vomit to crawl up his throat.  
Tears were burning in his eyes, blurrying his vision, when he spotted Uruha’s alcohol cove in the corner of the living room.  
Ruki was sure there would be more than enough alcohol to kill every single nerve in his painfilled mind - and yet, he was not desperate enough to think of this as a good idea.  
He didn’t want to forget Reita in general, he just wanted the hurt to end.  
But in the end, he realized, Reita obviously had forgotten about him, so he was free to do so as well.  
A harsh stabbing pain flared in his chest when his brain registered how broken their relationship was, how far away their time as a happy couple was.  
The next thing Ruki felt was the burning sensation of alcohol running down his throath, settling in his stomach, desperately trying to erase the hurt that kept clawing at the remnants of his broken heart.

 

* * *

 

Ruki couldn’t remember how much time had passed. Actually, he couldn’t remember that much anyway, sitting or rather keeping himself upright on Uruha’s couch in the middle of the night.  
Everything was dull and heave from the alcol he had consumed, his head was spinning and fuzzy and all of this was Reita’s fault, that much was for sure. Everything that had happened, everything- Everything that he didn’t want to think about anyway.  
Raising his hand Ruki realized he was still holding a half full bottle of liquid and just the sight of it made his stomach twist and turn, his head throbbing in pain along with it. For a moment he was hesitating, wondering if he could keep on drinking, but just when he thought it wasn’t worth qualmishness, Reita’s face flickered up in front of him, burning itself into his brain.  
Wincing slightly, Ruki clutched the bottle even closer. He didn’t have a choice in the end.


	3. Chapter 3

When Uruha opened the door quietly, he was offered with the view of Ruki taking a huge gulp from a bottle, spread out miserably on the couch.   
Taking in the picture of the alcohol cove gaping wide open, the floor covered with bottles, some half full, some only opened scattered all over the floor and Ruki in the middle of this destruction, still holding the rest of who knows how much alcohol he had consumed in his hands, make-up smeared all over his face, hair disheveled, his eyes glassy and unfocused while trying to recognize the man in front of him. 

“What- Ruki?”, Uruha brought out after a moment of shock and silence. Ruki flinched at the sound of his voice, but only put the bottle down silently, knocking down some others in the process, groaned and turned away from the other man, trying to hide between the cushions next to him.

Sighing, Uruha closed the door behind him silently, put down the small plastic bag, filled with random groceries and laid his coat next to it. He collected some bottles on his way to the couch, shaking his head to clear of the shock and sat down next to Ruki.

Said just grabbed the pillows tighter, wriggling his body deeper into the cushions, mumbling incoherently when Uruha touched his shoulder gently.  
“Ruki, what’s wrong..?”, Uruha prodded, keeping his voice as soft and calm as possible. Ruki didn’t react. “What happened, Ruki, talk to me, please”, he was now squeezing the others shoulder slightly, rubbing over Ruki’s back in circular patterns.

He didn’t get an answer but a groan and a shaking of Ruk’s head. Shifting his body, Ruki turned to face Uruha. Feeling his stomach clenching again, his throat getting tighter he avoided direct eye contact.   
“He… I…”, Ruki started but broke off with a frustrated groan, he closed his eyes and let his head drop.   
Uruha’s right hand was on Ruki’s arm, running up and down slowly while the other reached to hold Ruki’s own clenched hands, resting in his lap, desperately trying to soothe the other somehow.

Ruki swallowed and opened his eyes once again, tears trickling down his cheeks, soft drops falling down on their joined hands.  
Carefully, not to startle the man in front of him, Uruha readjusted his right hand, lifting Ruki’s chin and locking eyes with him, feeling his own heart clench with the hopeless look he found there.

“What happened, Ruki?”, he repeated, slightly afraid of the outcome of his question. “Rei-Reita, he… I… We broke up”, Ruki forced the words out, his eyes spilling over with tears. He didn’t wait for any kind of reaction just threw himself at Uruha’s chest, grasping the dress shirt and burrying his face in the white cotton, sobbing and coughing uncontrollably.  
Embracing Ruki in some kind of reflex, Uruha was lost for words.   
Of course the rest of them had sensed that Reita and Ruki had more than simple friendship and of course the change in their behaviour hadn’t gone unnoticed, but Ruki’s revelation had left him in a state of shock. Without thinking about it, he continued to stroke Ruki’s back, hoping to calm down the shaking body in his arms.

“I left him, Uru…”, Ruki mumbled against his shirt, slowly soaking with tears. “He.. He.. changed… He was so different…And I… I couldn’t… He wouldn’t… I”, another shuddering sob errupted from Ruki’s throat, ”I just miss him so much…”  
Insecurely, Uruha let his gaze wander around the room; there was nothing he could do and yet he was desperate to help his friend. The situation was slowly becoming painfully complicated.  
“Uru…”, Ruki’s voice startled him back into present.   
His face was too close, his gaze too helpless for Uruha’s liking and Ruki seriously reeked of alcohol.  
“Ruki, I…” before Uruha could end his sentence he felt Ruki’s lips on his, just the slightest pressure in the touch, just the slightest desperation. Ruki broke the contact, their lips just milimeters away, their breaths mingling, “Please, Uru…”.

Uruha knew it was the loneliness and desperation talking and his heart wrenched at the realization just how hurt Ruki must have been. The next second he felt Ruki’s lips again, this time a tongue following quickly teasing Uruha’s mouth.   
Hands started wandering and before he knew what was happening, Ruki was groping him through his pants, tenderly massaging his thighs.   
Uruha’s brain slowly cought up with the situation and he scrambled back hastily, falling of the couch and knocking down several bottles, the fluids spilling out on the floor, sticking to his hands and upper body. 

Looking up, he locked eyes with Ruki who just stared at him, his eyes flittering with emotions, displaying the deep hurt and the shock Uruha had caused.  
Uruha opened his mouth to say something when a sudden loud banging on his front door caught his attention. 

“Uruha? Uruha, I know you’re there, so please open the door, I really need to talk to you!”, it was Reita’s voice, slightly muffled through the thick wood, but Reita’s without a doubt.  
Uruha turned his head back to look at Ruki and was met with a look of pure horror in his face. All of him was trembling once again, his breathing coming in harsh, short pants.   
It only took a mere seconds of eye contact and Uruha had his arms full of Ruki again, clawing at his shirt, pressing his body against his while positively whailing at this point. “Don’t… Make him leave, Uru… Please,” he coughed out between sobs and Uruha wasn’t sure how and why the situation had unraveld this way. All of this was slowly spinning out of control, Ruki’s fever still weakening his body, fogging his mind and senses along with the alcohol.

“Uruha, dammit, I’ll break your door down if you don’t open it!”, Reita was getting angrier by the second, his banging becoming more insistent.  
Having trouble to losen Ruki’s grip on his shirt, Uruha sighed in annoyance. “I’m on my way,” he shouted in the direction of the door. “You better are!”, Reita responed still angry, but at least the constant banging had stopped. 

“Ruki, I really need to get this sorted out, right know. Just let go of my shirt, won’t you?”, whispering in Ruki’s ear, Uruha resumed his tugging at the hands tightly holding on to the piece of cloth. Reluctantly, Ruki losened his grip, letting his hands fall in his lap. Uruha carefully scooted away from the other man, watching him closely as he shifted on the floor, head dropped, body tense.

“Uruha, I’m still here you know?!”, Ruki flinched at the sound of Reita’s voice and glancing at him one last time, Uruha hurried over to the door of the small apartment.  
“Reita, what the hell?”, opening the door, Uruha glared at the other,”What is it?”  
Reita just stared at Uruha’s completely disheveled state, the rest of lipstick sticking to some parts of his face, his completely soaked shirt, sticky with snot and saliva and his breath caught in his throat.

“I… I just wanted to know, how Ruki was…But…”, he stuttered. Looking over Uruha’s shoulder, he noticed Ruki sitting on the floor between knocked down bottles and wearing nothing but his bunched up shirt and a pair of pants, staring right back at him, his state even worse than Uruha’s. “I guess, I’m just interupting something here”, Reita looked at Uruha once again and turned to leave, without even waiting for a response from the other. 

“Reita, wait you’re getting this wrong”, Uruha cried behind him. “Oh, gosh. You know goddamm well that I love Aoi, you…”, but his screams were falling on deaf ears, Reita kept walking, his figure disappearing in the dark.

Distraught, Uruha closed the door again, his vision catching Ruki who was still staring, tears trickling down his cheeks silently.   
Uruha sighed once again, running his fingers through his hair, tears threatening to fall out of his own eyes. Damn, he really needed to explain all of this to Aoi before Reita interfered with his jumped-to conclusions and false deductions.

“Ruki?”, he asked, attracting the others attention, “Let’s get you into bed, will we?”  
Ruki just nooded absent mindedly, sorrow emanating from every pore of his body. Sniffing quietly, he took Uruha’s outreached hand and let himself be guided into the bedroom and tucked into warm sheets.

His head was heavy but blissfully clear, his heart kept hurting though and he couldn’t shake off the sadness enveloping his mind, hurt, despair and guilt gnawing at every part of his body.  
Ruki’s eyes burned with tears as he fell asleep to the soft clinking of glass bottles and Uruha’s quiet crying in the dark.


	4. Chapter 4

_They were backstage, merely an hour away from the show. Everyone was already nervous, or excited, to say the least; Ruki could feel it. He himself was busy with trying to calm himself down, just sitting there in his own silent corner of the dressing room, watching the others, waiting; and his eyes always seemed to be drifting towards one certain person, drawn to him almost naturally._

_Reita was standing there, in the middle of the room, the center of attention. Or maybe, he wasn’t – maybe it was just Ruki who was fixed on him too much, seeing nothing but Reita right now, like a bright flame against thick darkness. Ruki felt short of breath, his chest clenched with nervousness and panic, fear; his heart was racing, and his throat was uncomfortably dry; but he just stayed like that, didn’t move._

_Because somehow, just looking at Reita like that helped him feel… grounded. Safe. Just better._

_Reita had his hand on his own chest at the moment, seemingly lost in thoughts. He was… listening._

_Then suddenly, he flung around, stopping Uruha who was just passing by, and pressed his hand against the other’s chest instead. Only when Reita laughed out after a moment of absolute silence, Ruki realized that he was checking their heartbeats._

_He watched with fascination how Reita continued placing his hand on the other members’ chests, comparing all of them. For some reason, it brought a soft smile to Ruki’s face, filling him with a wave of warmth and affection. Ruki also noticed how the others stopped in what they were doing when Reita touched them, coming to a halt and then laughing – or at least smiling – at Reita. Just because it was heartwarming. Silly, but adorable, especially coming from Reita. Ruki’s smile grew wider when even Kai, who was practically shaking with panic and looked as if he was about to cry, stopped and forced a small smile on his face as well._

_Just a moment later, they were gone. Already on their way, leaving to prepare for the show. Ruki was still sitting exactly on the same spot, in his corner of the room. He didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to move at all right now._

_Then, Reita was there again, standing in the doorway with a warm smile on his face and watching Ruki. He was walking closer, eyes never leaving Ruki’s, stopping when he was right in front of him. Ruki caught Reita’s smile, reassuring and warm. So strong. He returned it, and without any word passing between them, Reita put his hand on Ruki’s chest now, resting the palm right over his heart._

_The touch felt warm and natural, soothing; Ruki felt his muscles relax, his body calming down. Slowly, the panic seemed to fade, leaving his body at ease._

_The touch lingered, and Reita’s eyes were locked with Ruki’s the whole time. Staring back at Reita like that, Ruki felt like he was drowning, like he was being pulled down into those eyes and their warmth, down to a much safer, better place; the feeling becoming even more intense the longer the moment lasted._

_Reita smiled at him once again – the most wonderful, affectionate smile, something that made Ruki feel so loved. And surely, exactly those feelings had  to be mirrored on his own face, because Ruki knew that he couldn’t hide his emotions and all this… affection._

_“I love you”, Reita whispered. Ruki nodded, his eyes still locked with Reita’s, still drowning in them. “I love you, too”, he breathed back, just as quiet as Reita._

_The other’s hand was still on Ruki’s chest, feeling his heart beat. Ruki covered it with his own, not saying anything else now. He held it closer, pressed both of their hands together against his chest; he tried to draw out the moment, tried to hold onto that infatuating, gentle look in Reita’s eyes that he loved so much._

_With his free hand, Reita reached for Ruki’s other hand, slowly moving even closer; then, their lips met in a soft kiss, warm and heartbreakingly beautiful – and Ruki thought this was what he needed to hold onto, to remember._

 

* * *

 

Ruki woke up with a small gasp, gripping the bed sheets out of reflex, staring at the ceiling above him and trying to shove away that dream, that damn memory.

 

This – this was exactly what he had been trying to push away so desperately, trying to forget. All those goddamn happy memories – they were driving Ruki mad.

He knew very well that this was something he couldn’t go back to, something that was simply gone. Without any chance of coming back. Yes, it was so obvious – so clear that Reita had changed so much, that he was a completely different person now.

 

Ruki groaned and ran one hand through his messy hair, shaking his head and trying to push away that dream. Thinking about it would only make things worse…

God, he hated this old, sweet Reita with every fibre of his being.

How could they have come from this – from this goddamn happy memory, all this love and trust to where they were now?

He felt the sudden need to run away, to do something, anything.

 

With a groan, Ruki finally sat up in the bed. And immediately, he felt a shot of hot, angry pain shooting through his head, forcing him to take a deep breath, pressing his eyes shut again.

His head was throbbing awfully, and now that he was thinking about it, it felt as if his whole body was, in fact, hurting with a dull, heavy pain. He came to the bitter conclusion that all the alcohol hadn’t helped at all. If anything, Ruki felt even more miserable today.

 

While he was getting up and made his way to the bathroom – very slowly and carefully, so that he wouldn’t break down a second time – there was even another thought creeping into his head and making him feel guilty and bad.

Uruha.

 

Ruki could remember enough of last night to know that Reita had been there at Uruha’s door, that Ruki hadn’t wanted Uruha to talk to him. That Ruki had kissed Uruha, and clung to him. And if this wasn’t enough already, Reita had somehow known about what had happened, and gotten a completely wrong impression of the situation between Uruha and Ruki.

And Ruki also remembered vaguely that Uruha had yelled something at Reita when he had left – that he loved Aoi. And after that, when Ruki was in bed, Uruha had been crying, that much he knew for sure. The memory was quite clear – Uruha crying so desperately and miserably, and Ruki knew exactly how Uruha must have felt; he could feel the same pain right now, every since he woke up – and suddenly, he felt sick from guilt.

Ruki swallowed and tried to clean himself up a bit, his mind spinning and his soul hurting the whole time.

 

When Ruki finally stepped into the living room, Uruha was sitting on the couch, silently staring down at his own two hands with concentration. The room was clean and tidy again, but Uruha looked far from being alright.   
“Hey”, Ruki mumbled and moved a bit closer, hesitating a bit. Uruha’s head snapped up immediately, and Ruki could watch how his expression changed in the split of a second; how he forced a small smile onto his face, and tried to smoothen the lines of worry.

“Hey”, he replied, clearing his throat before getting up, still trying to smile.

Ruki could see how hard he had to fight, though, and it sent another sting of guilt to his chest.

 

“So, how are you ?”, Uruha continued, already on his way to turn away and leave for the kitchen. Ruki pressed his lips together.

“Uruha, I’m – I’m so sorry. I was... being selfish, and – I didn’t really think about that I could cause you trouble like that”, Ruki brought out and swallowed again. The other just blinked and stared at him. Ruki could watch his façade fall again, the fake smile making way for confusion and surprise.

 

It was silent for a moment; Uruha cleared his throat again. “Well, it’s not your fault”, Uruha said after another moment of heartquenching silence. His voice was very soft and quiet – but sad.

 

Ruki felt his throat getting tighter by the second. This was all just because of Reita, because Ruki himself hurt so much, just because Reita was… because everything was bad now. And somehow, this was starting to affect Uruha as well, even though it didn’t have anything to do with him at all.

“No, it’s-“, Ruki started, then sighed. Uruha’s eyes were on the ground, but he didn’t move, as if he was waiting for Ruki. “Please, tell me – tell me about Aoi”, Ruki finally added after a moment.


	5. Chapter 5

Reita felt like his head was about to burst. The bright morning light was burning in his tearshot eyes, the fresh, cool air streaming through the open window felt like burning ice invading his lungs mercilessly.

It was still early in the morning, not that he would have been able to sleep anyway. Forcing his eyes shut, pictures of Ruki, a complete mess between alcohol bottles kept creeping up on him, Uruha’s obvious attempt to appear collected, when he had just- Screw this.

A sharp, splittering sound reverberated through the kitchen as china hit the floor, splattering cold coffee all over the place, staining the white tiles in an ugly shade of brown.

Groaning, Reita buried his face in his palms, trying to regain his composure.

Uruha had told him about Aoi, right? No need to worry about that, right?

Scoffing, Reita pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, causing bright flashes and dots to dance behind his eyelids, enlightening the pure darkness.

And Ruki? Well, Ruki had probably been simply drunk. “Drunk and desperate”, his brain provided and Reita just pressed harder, dizziness slowly taking over his sleep-deprived brain.

Uruha had offered him affection, love, anything Ruki longed for; anything Reita kept denying him.

Reita felt his eyes burning with hot tears and shook his head violently, only reinforcing the pressure on his eyeballs, willing to force them back, refusing to let a single tear fall, the ache in his heart seemingly unbearable.

The harsh beeping sound of his cell phone startled him back to reality, Kai’s caller ID flashing brightly on the display. Breathing in deeply, Reita reached for his phone, unsure if he could trust his voice not to break, when Kai’s voice was already booming at him through the receiver. “Oh, hey Reita, I’m actually just calling to tell you the meeting today wasn’t cancelled,” the calmness in Kai’s voice couldn’t quite sugar-coat the hint of anger swinging along,”Ruki’s better, just so you know… Or care…”. Reita practically saw the venom of Kai’s words dripping through the receiver, slowly running down his cheeks, softly trickling down on the floor, mingling with the remnants of cold coffee and unshed tears of pain and guilt on the prior pure-white floor.

Reita knew he had messed up yesterday. He knew he should have done something - knew he should have at least reacted differently from storming out, just fleeing from the situation like the coward he was.

“Yes…,” he rasped, coughing awkwardly.

“Yes, you’ll come to the meeting or yes, you care?”, Kai’s patience was slowly fading and Reita could feel every ounce of strength the other needed to remain calm.

“Both..,” was the only thing Reita managed to say before he hung up without another word, simply not able to stand talking about his mistakes and failures anymore. In the end, Kai didn’t know a thing about what was going on; how could he, anyway?

Silence settled again, covering Reita like a suffocating blanket.

He was well aware of what the others thought about him, how wrong he was doing Ruki, how right said was to search for consolation elsewhere, how terrible his behaviour must appear from the outside - but even though Reita was determined to not be selfish for once, to put all this behind and sacrifice whatever was needed to save the lives all of them were leading, the dream they were living; even if this meant for Ruki to suffer, in the end, he would be set free.

Sighing, Reita stood up ignoring the mess on the kitchen floor deliberately and went to the bathroom to fix his hair and apply at least enough makeup to hide the weariness in his face, covering the deep lines of tiredness caused by too little sleep and too much sorrow.

He would be at the studio too early, but figuring that arriving early at least wouldn’t result in him being stared at by everyone, he grabbed his jacket and opened the front door - only to be greeted by a modest light-brown envelope, resting peacefully, even innocently on his door mat.

Reita felt the air rushing out of his lungs, the sight in front of him causing a cold shiver to run down his spine.

His fingers trembled as he reached for the envelope, looking around cautiously. The paper was slightly damp, cold to the touch and Reita felt his heart race with anxious anticipation what content would await him this time.

Opening the slit he pulled out a picture, shiny and strikingly clear in its intention.

Reita had known what to expect when opening the envelope, he had known it wouldn’t be over that easily.

His eyes watered with tears again, wet droplets falling down on the photograph he still held in his shaking hands. This had all gone too far by now and yet there simply didn’t seem to be an easy way out.

Forcing back further tears, Reita took a deep breath and tossed the envelope carelessly inside, not even thinking about where its content might end up, where the whirl might send it tumbling down.

His head buzzing with thoughts, he set off for the meeting instead.

Surely Aoi would already be there, always the first to arrive, strumming along on his guitar, trying out tunes and melodies to present them to Uruha later on. Thinking of Uruha. Maybe Reita really needed to talk to Aoi, maybe, just maybe he could at least set some things right.

In the meanwhile a certain photograph slowly stopped twirling, losing the impetus of the cold morning air and instead settled down gently on white tiles, cold coffee stains greedily reaching for the ingenuous paper, slowly nagging their way over Ruki’s printed face.


	6. Chapter 6

The street was rushing by in a cold, rainy haze; trees and buildings, people and street signs, cars - everything blurring into one dull mess. Reita’s eyes were fixed on the street ahead of him, a determined, almost hard look in them. He was trying to concentrate, trying to sort out his thoughts, somehow; his head was bursting with memories, stuff he didn’t want to think about. This horrible morning had made him feel sick and bitter already, hopeless for the rest of the day. It had forced Reita to think back – as if he hadn’t spent enough time already doing that, and crying and sulking, slowly going crazy.

 

He stopped at a red light, the car slowly coming to a halt. It was a grey, rainy day, surprisingly warm; but actually, it could have been sunny and beautiful and it wouldn’t have mattered at all – Reita was far from giving a damn about the weather, anyway.

 

The light went green and he was driving again, the rest of the world blurring together like before. Reita sighed, clenching his teeth together. He didn’t want to think, he didn’t want to remember. _Anything._

 

* * *

 

_Reita was staring at the letter; words and sentences were swimming, dancing, trembling in front of his eyes. He read it again. And again._

_This couldn’t be real. No. Something like this couldn’t be happening, this was… absurd._

_His insides clenched when he tried to think of what to do, how this situation could possibly be saved._

_In lack of anything better to do, Reita read the letter a fourth  time._

“To “Reita”.

This is the first picture we’re sending to you, but there are more. We know of the relationship between the bassist and the vocalist of The GazettE, and we are not afraid to share this information with the press.

We are aware that such a publication would destroy the band’s career, and ruin the member’s reputation; it is obvious what kind of a scandal this would cause.

Still, we offer you the chance to keep all the information we have about this affair hidden if you pay us the amount of money shown below within seven days.”

_Reita was trying to fight back tears and force down the sickness, trying to hide from the oppressive panic that was claiming his body; his chest felt too tight to breathe, painfully tight, and suddenly, he had to gasp for breath._

_Ruki._

_What would happen to Ruki, what would happen if… the photos were actually published. They’d all go down; all their dreams would be going to waste. Whoever had written the letter was absolutely right – a scandal like this would destroy everything, blemish the band’s name._

_If Reita messed this up, he would literally destroy everybody’s career and damage, if not extinguish the whole band._

_And… Ruki._

_Reita couldn’t even bring himself to imagine what Ruki would think, what he would do – surely, if anything went wrong now and those pictures were given to the press, it would be Reita’s fault all alone._

_And it would be Reita alone destroying Ruki’s life. Not only musical, but also private. Everything._

_Reita heard himself sucking in a sharp breath, a muffled sob. Everything was shaking, his body trembling and his vision blurring. It was too much for him._

In his car, Reita swallowed heavily. Shaking his head, he tried to ignore the memory. The studio was right there in front of him, and he was about to get out and walk in – but right now, he was still busy trying to straighten his face and control his expression. To calm down.

He definitely couldn’t just walk in like that, giving away everything that was going through his head or maybe even telling somebody – or else, everything would have been for nothing.

 

_Reita had to hide this. Damn, there was no way he could tell Ruki what was going on – tell him about all this pressure that they were under now. Everything that could happen._

_Ruki wouldn’t be able to stand knowing it; this band, the music, their career was everything to him – and knowing that all of this might go to waste would be too much for him to bear._

_Reita couldn’t do it, couldn’t tell Ruki what danger they were in._

_He tried to hold back a sob, and failed miserably at doing so. Why did this have to happen, why was he even in this goddamn situation?_

_Reita wanted nothing more than being with Ruki right now – pulling him into his arms, holding him close, and telling him exactly what was wrong. Telling him how much he loved him – that he wanted nothing but to protect Ruki, that Reita would always put him first. Because if there was one thing that Reita couldn’t take, it was watching Ruki suffer._

_Reita’s heart ached to see Ruki, to simply have him close. But then – he didn’t trust himself enough to do even that. Ruki would see right through him – he’d know that something was wrong, and eventually, Reita would give in and tell him._

_Seeing Ruki just was something he wasn’t allowed to do at the moment, Reita realized, his hands clenching into fists and his lips pressed together._

* * *

 

It had been the only way, right? To hide everything. To shut himself off from Ruki, enough so that he wouldn’t have a clue about what was wrong. Not telling him anything about the pictures and the letters, the blackmailing, the money Reita kept paying a completely anonymous person to keep everything hidden.

It was only logical that Reita had tried to keep himself from telling Ruki by distancing himself, right?

The risk of giving in and telling Ruki, spilling everything, had been too high; and it still was. Reita didn’t exactly feel like he could trust himself today.

 

Yes, of course it had been the right thing to do, Reita thought bitterly. He had done nothing wrong. The only problem was that he hadn’t expected Ruki to suddenly walk out on him. To leave him just like that.

 

All he had every wanted was to protect Ruki, trying to fucking help him – but now, now he had lost him completely. Way to go, Reita, way to go.


	7. Chapter 7

As expected Reita was faced with Aoi, peacefully picking the strings on his guitar, mumbling along to the chords, head nodding in time with the soft notes resonating in the otherwise silent rehearsal room.

Not even bothering with looking up he silently continued his playing and only huffed shortly, shaking his head in annoyance, when Reita sat down beside him, the sofa dipping slightly under his weight.

“Aoi, I-“, a sharp screeching sound cut Reita off, piercing his ears. Turning his head, Aoi’s eyes met his with a cold stare,”Seriously, Reita?”.

Aoi’s gaze embodied pure annoyance, supressed anger and a fair amount of serious curiousness. “You leave, you neither call nor at least text any of us and now, now you want to apologize? Explain? Well, wrong person, Reita. Ruki will be here soon enough and don’t you dare to forget talking to Uruha,” strings were softly grazed again, soon turning into stronger cords the underlying enragement audible within the tune.

“He slept with Uruha,” barely above a whisper, Reita’s voice sounded hoarse, the intense strumming almost swallowing his words.

The words slowly sinking in Aoi stopped his playing hesitantly, picking at the strings aimlessly, starring on the floor in front of him,”How would you know?”

“I saw them,” Reita’s answer was short, his words seemingly cutting through the thick tension building up between the two men.

“We’re not a couple or anything, you know,” Aoi’s voice was just above a whisper, straining with the effort of forcing the words out in the open,”It’s none of my business and just judging by your behaviour, I guess it isn’t any of yours as well…”.

Reita was just about to retort to that, the bitterness emanating from the other joining the gnawing emotions and thoughts in his head mercilessly, when the door in front of them forcefully flew open and revealed Kai smiling brightly until the silent tension of the room slowly crept up on him as well.

Frowning, he tried to decipher the sight before him but while Aoi kept playing aimless tunes again, Reita only stared at some random spot in front of him, avoiding Kai’s gaze purposely, causing Kai to emit a suffering sigh and, fetching a chair and sitting down opposite of them, to eye them both warily.

Another light rattle of the door handle broke the silence again and Ruki’s figure appeared in the door frame, practically trying to enter the room without being seen, while Uruha apparently kept pushing him slightly from behind., smiling apologetically at the rest of the band, careful not to meet Aoi’s eyes.

Shuffeling over, Ruki silently sat down in the armchair next to Aoi, head hanging low, face hidden behind several strands of hair, his hands clutching at the sleeves of his oversized cardigan, stretching the cloth even more. He flinched slightly at the screeching sound of Uruha’s chair next to him, their conversation from earlier still haunting his thoughts.

 

_“There is nothing much to tell, Ruki…,” Uruha had turned away again refilling the cup in his hands, adding just enough alcohol to numb the flarring pain in his chest ,”You want coffee?”._

_Ruki nodded absent-mindedly and walked up to Uruha the liquor bottle coming into his view,”Uru… You…-,” cut off by a steaming mug shoved into his field of view Ruki broke off, cradling the white porcelain with both hands._

_He followed Uruha back into the living room without another word, noting the half-full ashtray on the small table, silently wondering when Uruha had started smoking again and even worse, how long he had been adding alcohol to even his coffee._

_“Fooling around…,” at the sound of Uruha’s voice Ruki’s head snapped up ,”That’s all it is, Ruki. Fooling around…”._

_Meeting the other’s questioning gaze Uruha smiled bitterly ,”But it’s okay, it really is. It’s all I’ll get anyway…”._

_“Uruha, I-I’m sorry, but…,” reaching out Ruki noticed instantly how Uruha scared away from the touch, the memories from last night still present in his mind._

_Dropping his hand again, his fingers clawed into the fabric of the couch, tears of guilt welling up in his eyes, “I’m really sorry…”._

_“It’s okay, Ruki,”carefully scooting closer and  wrapping his arms around Ruki’s stiff frame Uruha pressed a soft kiss on the top of his head, gently stroking a hand through the mess of hair ,”It’s not your fault, you know. Things have been messed up long before yesterday and what happened won’t make it better or worse. So don’t keep dwelling on Aoi and me, you have enough problems yourself…”._

_A small nod told him that Ruki had paid attention to his words._

_Pushing himself back, he stared up at Uruha, eyes still slightly glassy but filled with determination,”It’ll be alright Uruha. I promise.”_

_Taken aback Uruha just stared at Ruki, unsure of what to think of the other’s sudden declaration. Finally settling on forcing a small smile on his lips, he nodded shortly, still insecure about what exactly was going on in Ruki’s mind._

“…ter, Ruki?”, Kai’s voice invaded his thoughts, forcefully pulling him back into reality.

Jolting his head up Ruki realized everyone was starring at him expectantly. “I asked if you’re feeling better now,” Kai prompted again, the ongoing silence slowly becoming unbarable and nerve-wracking.

“Sure,” Ruki answered, not trusting his voice with a longer answer.

He needed to talk to Aoi and the unwanted attention was only fueling his nervousness further. There was no need in analyzing his breakdown, no need in exaggerating it and Ruki seriously feared Reita’s reaction in matter of their crisis now being forced out of its dark, gloomy corner, its hideous sight looming over them, just waiting to drag down the rest of the band with them.

 

A loud banging noise echoed through the room as Reita’s fist collided with the table.

“Well, great that at least one of us is feeling fine with how all of this is going, isn’t it Ruki?”, the words were cold, every single one hurting Ruki, stabbing his hart painfully.

“I-“, he started but was instantly cut off by Reita again.

“Just for your information you made it this time. As if it wasn’t enough to make me miserable and leave me behind, there was really no need in dragging Uruha in all of this, you know? Gosh, you’re so caught up in all your misery, you don’t even notice how you pull all of us down. Was it really necessary to jump the next best man available? Was it really necessary to seek this kind comfort among our friends?

You know what, Ruki? You keep hurting all of us in what you’re doing and in the end you just sit there, all tears and sorrow drowning in your own despair, wondering what happened and how much of an arse I am, not caring about you,” tears were streaming down Reita’s face, his voice screaming at Ruki, all the hurt, despair and anger crushing at him in violent waves, never slowing down only increasing in their force, wrecking down the remains of Ruki’s emotional walls.

“But hey, I guess you’ve got Uruha now and great news, Aoi won’t fight for him, so go ahead and take him; never mind what the rest of us might be thinking or feeling for the matter. Just go ahead and keep feeling sorry for yourself, I bet he’ll console you willingly,” Reita knew it was wrong, knew that he was only hurting the one he loved but while his mind told him to stop and apologize, his body let the words tumble out, Ruki’s obvious state of shock only pushing him further, urging him to break the shell Ruki was hiding in.

“You know what? In the end you’re just some kind of slut, always demanding, always eager, aren’t you? Always willing to offer yourself for a little bit of comfort, not caring who or where, only hoping to escape all your self-inflicted pain, because you’re always the victim. Always the only one who’s hurting. I’m through with this. I love you, but you don’t mind, do you?”, directly meeting Ruki’s eyes for the first time since his outburst Reita was startled by the complete hurt starring back at him. Ruki’s whole body was shaking, he looked thoroughly lost in his oversized cardigan, his trembling fingers were turning white with the effort of just holding on to the cloth between them, silent tears were streaming down his cheeks in wet tracks and kept dropping down his chin, but Ruki didn’t even seem to notice, completely caught up in his own state of distress.

Gulping Reita grabbed his bag and stormed out of the room ignoring the stares and Kai’s shouts behind him. Nearly running down the hallway he only got as far as the staircase, when he felt a hand grabbing his arm, turning him around forcefully and pressing his back against the cold stone wall.

“Reita, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”, Kai’s voice swayed between carefully held back anger and pure lack of understanding the other man, ”You’re okay…?”

Sight blurry with tears Reita locked up at Kai and shook his head, sobs shaking his frame violently.

“No… I’m not okay.… I-It’s just… I-I just wanted to protect him, Kai,” covering his face with his arm Reita locked away, ashamed of how far this was going.

At loss for words Kai grabbed Reita’s hand and went down the stairs, Reita trailing behind him crying heart-wrenchingly, holding on to his hand for dear life.

“I’ll get you home and then we’ll talk, Reita. No secrets, no holding back, you’ll tell me the truth and we’ll work this out, right?”, his voice gentle but firm, Kai stroked his thumb over their joined hands ,”Right?”.

Locking up Reita met Kai’s hopeful gaze and nodded, the bright smile of the other catching him by surprise. Maybe it was really time to let someone in.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry for the long wait, hope you'll enjoy anyway. :)

The harsh sound of the slamming door caused Uruha to flinch and while Kai ran off to follow Reita, he felt everything that was said slowly sinking into his mind.

So Aoi didn’t want him, at least that’s what Reita had just exclaimed.

It hurt. It hurt so goddamm much.

Uruha knew this wasn’t about him and Aoi, he knew he should take care of Ruki, knew this wasn’t the right time and place and still he felt a single tear escaping his eyes, rolling down his cheek and hovering just above his lips, tightly pressed together, willing the emotions to crawl back from whatever corner they had emerged from.

With a sigh he stood up and left for the other room, answering Ruki’s questioning gaze with a short “coffee” before letting the door fall shut behind him.

Aoi glanced at Uruha, his eyes following the other’s movement sceptically. Eyes fixed on the closed door he stood up and passed Ruki’s seat only to feel a strong grip on his wrist, holding him back in mid-motion.

Standing completely still he turned his head, his gaze travelling down his own arm and resting on Ruki’s hand, tightly wrapped around his wrist.

Slowly lifting his eyebrow, he searched the others gaze and was met with a pair of bloodshot red eyes, puffy from exhaustion and crying, but emanating determination nevertheless.

 

“I told him that I loved him…,” before Ruki’s brain could catch up with the meaning of Uruha’s words, the fragile voice continued, every single word painful in its own way “… he just laughed…”.

 

“Do you love him?”, Ruki’s voice was firmer than expected, the bluntness of his words startling Aoi. Avoiding the other’s gaze he adverted his view, biting his lips unconsciously.

“I asked you, if you love him…,” the slight wavering in Ruki’s voice caught his attention again, the soft wet drop on his wrist telling him all he needed to know ,”Because he does love you, you know.”

Grip losening, Ruki withdrew his hand, his eyes still searching Aoi’s, looking for some kind of answer, some kind of reaction.

“Can I leave you alone?”, the short question was all he got and all he needed to hear.

“Sure, you can, just don’t mess this up, please,” meeting Aoi’s gaze, Ruki smiled brightly, the elation in his expression standing in stark contrast to his tear-ridden cheeks, his swollen eyes and the clear feebleness caused by too much hurt and despair written all over his body. Infected by the pure unadulterated joy, Aoi smiled back tentatively; Ruki was right, he really needed to straighten this out.

* * *

 

It took him some time of searching and asking around, but Aoi eventually found Uruha rummaging through a cupboard in some kind of small storage room.

Not noticing the other, Uruha kept looking at random bottles, shaking his head in slight annoyance whenever one of them didn’t meet his expectations while Aoi hesitantly approached the other, the soft clicking of the door behind him not even reaching Uruha’s ears.

The room smelled of cold cigarette smoke, fusty wood and the faint trace of alcohol and small dust particles flimmering through the air, only visible in the rare rays of sunlight envading the room through the small window on its backside.

“Uruha…?”, his voice lower than usual, Aoi dearly hoped not to startle the other but failed miserably at his attempt in the end.

Uruha’s body flinched at the call of his name and his head jolted in Aoi’s direction, the sudden action causing him to lose his balance, sending him stumbling backwards, the lit cigarette in his mouth falling to the ground and several bottles were following him in his fall, soaking his shirt and pants in random liquids, leaving the ground covered in shattered glass.

“Oh god, Uruha, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-,” Aoi hurried over to the other man, his boots crunching the broken glass even more.

“Uruha, really-“

“Just don’t…”, Uruha still hadn’t raised his view, his eyes remained fixed on his soiled shirt, his fingers curled tighter around neck of the bottle he was still holding.

Freezing in motion Aoi slowly withdrew his outreached hand, not daring to touch the other in his obvious state of distress.

“You’re drunk,” not more than a simple statement it caused Uruha to tighten his grip.

“You are, aren’t you?” it wasn’t really a question; Aoi knew the answer already.

His voice was filled with disappointment, resignation dripping from his outspoken words like gooey sirup, sticking to Uruha’s skin uncomfortably ,”And you actually smoke again…”

“I’m not,” Uruha’s own voice was slightly slurred, betraying him in an instant.

“Is that so?”, frowning Aoi approached the other man again ,”That’s not really the coffee you were talking about…”

Uruha flinched again as Aoi reached for the bottle in his hand, trying to pry the stubborn fingers from the neck, but only ending up in causing the other to put up some kind of unwiedily fight, tripping over the broken glass beneath them and finally falling over, hitting the ground hard.

Uruha hissed as he tried to stand up again, his bare arms and hands digging painfully in the shards. “I told you,” he yelled loud enough to provoke a slight ringing in Aoi’s ears ,”I. Am. Not. Drunk.”

Aoi simply watched in shock as Uruha tried to remove some splitters, his shaky movements only deepening the wound further, the shard only cutting in deeper, drawing red streams of blood, running over his palms and arms like small rivers, before he crouched down next to him without another word.

“Let me,” reaching out Aoi gently took Uruha’s hand in his own, contemplating how to proceed from here.

“I guess we’ll have to find some kind of first aid-kit, it won’t do any good to just keep picking at those cuts,” he gently dragged Uruha up, leaving the mess behind, not caring for the odd looks they earned when leaving the storage together.

Ending up in the rehearsal room, patching up Uruha by himself wasn’t exactly how Aoi had hoped for things to turn out, but in the end, the only first aid-kit he knew about was placed there and Ruki had long been gone, leaving a short note behind not to worry about him.

“It’s not as bad as all the blood makes it look, Uruha,” he tried to calm the other down, distract him from the twinge of pain shooting through his palms and forearms whenever Aoi picked at a sharp or the remains of it, “really, there won’t be any scars or further problems, those are just minor cuts.”

Uruha remained silent, refusing to let a single tear fall. He wasn’t like Ruki after all. He was stronger than that.

* * *

 

A short “thank you” was all Aoi received while packing away the kit, turning away from Uruha who was regarding his bandages, the white cotton nearly blending with his skin.

Squatting down in front of him Aoi looked at the other intentely, the strong smell of alcohol emanating around him and causing his head to spin slightly, the urge to vomit crawling up Aoi’s throat.

“I’ll drive you home, Uruha.”

A simple shake of his head was enough to make his vision go blurry and his head dizzy and Uruha gripped the chair he was sitting on tightly for support, wincing at the pain shooting through his hands.

“I guess you don’t have all that much to say in this, I’m afraid. Come on,” Aoi turned again, his back now facing Uruha, his hands motioning for the other to climb on him.

Hesitantly, Uruha followed the instructions he was given and soon found himself being carried around piggyback, his hands practically clinging to Aoi’s shirt, stinging with dumb pain, his head resting heavily on his right shoulder.

“I love you,” Uruha’s breath gently grazed Aoi’s neck, tickling his ear.

The smell of alcohol kept invading him once again, a faint hint of smoke trailing along with it.

“Sure you do,” he answered, knowing all to well Uruha wouldn’t remember a thing when he was sober again, “You always do when you’re drunk.”


	9. Chapter 9

Kai sighed again.

Gripping the wheel even tighter he kept casting glances in Reita’s direction but the other simply kept starring out of the window, absent mindedly fidgeting with the ring on his finger, somewhere lost in his thoughts and obviously unwilling to break the suffocating silence.

Shaking his head in slight annoyance Kai focussed on the street again, hoping to get at least some information out of his friend.

 

“There you go,” Reita was startled by the sudden sound of Kai’s voice, more so by the cold air hitting his side through the wide open car door next to him ,”Seriously, I can’t carry you up to your apartement, Reita…”

It took a good amount of patience and prodding but finally Kai was able to step into Reita’s living room, sitting down next to said one’s owner on a rather plushy couch.

If he was honest Kai had been quite anxious to be met by some kind of chaos, but the room was crisp and clean like fresh linen, not even the slightest sign of dust settling down anywhere.

He had to admit this was worse than some left overs waiting to be thrown away for days, worse than forgotten clothing covering the floor, probably soaked in some kind of odd mix of alcohol, tears and who knows what; no this felt like entruding in some kind of forbidden room, still and steril, almost artifical and terrifying, hiding behind it’s perfect exteriour, it’s hideous truth hidden somewhere, lurking in the dark shadows of perfection.

Glancing at Reita’s slumped down form on the couch Kai opened his mouth to start a conversation, when he felt the other’s body slowly leaning to the side, Reita’s head coming to rest on his shoulder.

Tensing abruptly he turned his head slowly, realizing the other had closed his eyes, his breath coming in calm, deep breaths, causing Kai to emit another sigh. This wouldn’t be easy that much he knew, adverting his view to the ceiling he adjusted his position on the couch, trying to get as comfortable as possible.

Hopefully at least Aoi and Uruha would be able to work out their relationship or whatever they had, he really couldn’t deal with everyone’s messed up love life.

* * *

  


  


Reita found himself lying on the couch several hours later, his head cushioned with some kind of sweater, a blanket pulled over his former sleeping form.

Searchingly taking in the room he watched out for some kind of sign of Kai’s presence but the other seemed to have left him on his own again. Probably tired of watching him sleep he assumed, shaking his head, thinking of his own pathetic behaviour.

He had been down right exhausted after his outburst, Ruki’s reaction still haunting him, the guilt and despair his talk with Aoi had caused still whirling in his mind.

Kai had somehow soothed him, his presence beeing enough to quiet down the thoughts shouting in his head to small whispers, enough for him to settle down for so much needed sleep.

Sitting up he sleepily rubbed a hand over his face, all of this was really getting out of hand.

His hands were shaking slightly as he folded the blanket carefully, the silence in the room doing nothing to calm the toughts in his head, the screaming voices blatantly repeating their shouts of despair again and again.

Combing a hand through his hair Reita entered the kitchen still somewhere lost in his own mind as he registered the startling cleaness of the floor, the absence of shattered porcelain and angry splatters of cold coffee seemingly vanished without further assistance.

Irritated he raised his view only to be met with Kai’s stare, his face carefully holding back any emotion, his eyes cold and unperturbed.

“Reita, what’s this?” holding up the picture of him and Ruki, still stained with ugly brown patches was resting in his right hand.

Reita felt his heartbeat stop in an instant, his lungs protesting against the lack of air, his insides twisting in pain as a cold feeling settled in the depths of his gut.

Locking eyes with Kai he held the other’s gaze as he felt a single tear trickling down his cheek.

  


„Look“, Reita started. Kai was staring at him expectantly, the worry and confusion written all over his face.

“I… we…”, he started, but broke off again with an exasperated sigh. The thoughts were whirling around in his head, completely out of control. He was scared, without really being able to say why – because Kai should never have found that picture; because it reminded him of Ruki – Ruki, whom he had lost completely now; because it reminded him that still, he didn’t know what to do about the pictures; because of the whole, goddamn hopeless situation.

 

Kai took his shoulder, carefully moving him over to the living room and the couch. Reita didn’t resist, his shoulders slouched in resignation.

A few minutes later, they were both sitting with mugs of tea in their hands. Kai was on the armchair, facing Reita, and Reita was gripping the mug tightly, piercing it with his stare.

“Reita, what was that?”, Kai asked again. His voice was very calm.

“Uhm, that’s– well, I don’t know who took them, you know”, he started. Kai’s eyes on him were calm and steady. He was waiting patiently, and it gave Reita the strength to continue.

“You know, Ruki and I have been together for a while. At that time, we were, I mean”. Kai nodded; that much he had known already.

“Of course, we didn’t know anything. That someone was taking pictures, I mean. But suddenly… I don’t know”, Reita broke off for a moment, shaking his head and sighing.

“Suddenly I got those letters. Someone tried to blackmail me with the pictures, said they were going to make them public if I didn’t give them the money.”

Kai furrowed his brow, his hands gripping the mug a bit tighter.

Yes, he had guessed something like that already – but hearing Reita say it made it harder, somehow. Reita was trying his best to keep his voice calm and controlled, Kai could see that very clearly. But still, he couldn’t hide the lines of sorrow, the bitter, hard mask his face was right now.

“And you did?”, Kai mumbled after a moment of silence – he wasn’t even really asking. He was quite sure that he knew already.

Reita nodded heavily.

“Yeah, I did. I didn’t know… what to do, damn…”, he mumbled. His lips were pressed together in a thin line, his eyes still fixed on the mug in his hands; he hadn’t taken even a sip from it.

Kai sighed. He kept his eyes on Reita, the silence stretching on while he kept studying his face. He wanted him to continue, wanted to know what had happened with Ruki – but he was afraid to push the other too far.

Reita swallowed, not raising his eyes, the hard lines around his mouth only seeming to deepen further. Either he was trying to ignore Kai long enough until he would leave, or he was too caught up in his past right now to talk.

Kai decided to just sit there and waited.

* * *

Finally, after long minutes of silence that had felt like hours – to both of them – Reita raised his head in a heavy, slow motion.

 

“You know…”, he started. Kai nodded, trying to give him his most reassuring look. It seemed to work.

“… I think Ruki noticed that something was really wrong. Maybe he knew that I was hiding something, I don’t know, but it felt like he didn’t really trust me anymore. And I guess… I tried so hard to keep the whole thing from him that I got too distant. I don’t know… I didn’t trust myself much with being around him because he might realize what was wrong…”

Kai had listened to him carefully, not interrupting him. But, suddenly, he furrowed his brow, confused and worried about something. He cleared his throat carefully, and Reita’s eyes shot up, searching Kai’s almost nervously.

“Reita, but why didn’t you… tell Ruki?”, he asked.

For a moment, Reita just stared at him, an expression of utter disbelief on his face, as if he couldn’t see why someone would even think something like that. He furrowed his brow, shaking his head slightly – a gesture of desperation, of hopelessness maybe.

Then he sighed, putting down the mug and then clasping his hands together, tightly.

“How the hell could I do that?”, Reita mumbled; there was a dark shadow of sadness ghosting over his face, shying away the tension from before. “All that pressure, and knowing that it… something like this – that it might ruin all that his dreams. Our dreams, of course – I mean, I couldn’t tell anyone, I couldn’t force this onto anyone.”

Kai stared at Reita, trying to understand how he must have been feeling all the time. How horrible it must have felt, being left all alone, then losing the one person you loved – and all just because he had been too proud, too stubborn to search for help.

“Reita…”, Kai mumbled, shaking his head slightly. The other man swallowed and dropped his eyes again.

Yes, it felt good talking about it, that was true – except that it brought up all the bitter memories again, things he had rather forgotten. Especially that pain, that desperate, sharp pain when he thought about Ruki. And how it had been. How it could be, still…

Reita groaned and buried his face in his hands, trying to hide from everything, wishing none of this would ever have happened – wishing that he wouldn’t have had to tell Kai everything. All he had ever wanted was keeping everybody else out of the whole thing, managing it by himself.

And again, it hadn’t worked out. At all.

“Reita?”, Kai asked again; this time, he caused Reita to look up, his eyes settling tentatively on Kai across – first his eyes, then shuffling down to his hands nervously.

“So you’re telling me… you and Ruki, you didn’t want to break up at all. It was just because of the blackmailing?”, he asked and tried his best to sound as warm and uplifting as possible.

Reita, however, shook his head. “He wanted to break up though…”, he mumbled, still staring at Kai’s hands.

“Did Ruki tell you that?”, Kai asked. His tone was serious and calm, and Reita looked up in confusion. “Did he want to break up with you because he didn’t love you anymore – or because he was scared that _you_ didn’t love him anymore?”, he asked. Reita blinked, not answering for a moment. There was a careful, sad smile on Kai’s lips – but he still looked confident, as if he saw something Reita didn’t, an opportunity or chance.

“What do you mean?”, Reita asked finally.

“Well, you said that you were scared about Ruki finding out, or that you might tell him accidentally. So you grew more and more distant, right? You tried to stay away from him, keep as far away as possible.”

Reita gave Kai a long look, then sighed, dropping his head. “Damn…”, he mumbled.

Of course it made sense. And of course he had, somehow, already known that it had been his fault – that he had pushed Ruki, pushed him so far that he had seen no other way than to break up with Reita – all in the fear that it was _Reita_ who didn’t love him anymore. So, all to protect himself from the loss.

Yes – Reita had known this, somehow. He knew that it was his fault, that he himself had caused the pain he has suffering under now.

What was different now was just that Reita saw some hope. Maybe it was the way Kai had put it – suddenly, Reita realized, that there might still be a chance to at least try and fix things with Ruki; especially if it was only Reita’s fault.

Maybe, he thought, maybe Ruki still held feelings for him – and maybe they were strong enough that Ruki wanted to get back to Reita. Ruki had broken up with him just because of Reita’s behaviour – and if he saw that this was just wrong, that Reita still loved him more than anything – maybe Ruki would want to give him a second chance.

Reita sighed, leaning back on the couch while Kai continued watching him very closely.

Yes, that gave him hope. It was just…

If only he could do something against the letters - so that he could tell Ruki, without pressuring him.

So that maybe, just maybe, everything could be alright again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there everyone!  
> Happy new year and sorry, it took us so long to update but here you go. :) Next chapters are in the making, promise!   
> Love teatime and SnowWhiteSummer


	10. Part One

Cracking his eyes open, Uruha was met with a ceiling he fairly knew, illuminated only by the soft shine from the moon outside and small night light standing on the bedside table on his right side.

The room was completely silent but for the soft breathing next to him. Slowly turning, Uruha felt the soft covers shifting over his skin, his eyes meeting Aoi’s sleeping face.

 

So he had been right. He was lying in Aoi’s bed again, the other sleeping peacefully next to him, one hand curled protectively around his own bandaged one.

Uruha smiled despite the piercing pain in his head. It was one of the rare times he got to see Aoi sleeping, got to feel the calmness and relive in the tranquility of the moment.

 

Reaching out carefully, Uruha let his fingertips graze Aoi’s cheek, travelling over the cheekbones, gently tucking some lose strands behind the other’s ear.

Sighing softly, Aoi started mumbling, the touch stirring him into wakefullness.

Sleepy brown eyes met his and Uruha was regarded with a small frown on Aoi’s face,”You’re already awake?”

“You’re still here?”

Uruha’s question threw Aoi off guard, the implied accusion in the other’s gaze enough to flare up the well known feeling of hurt and anger again.

Aoi knew Uruha was right, even when they ended up at his apartment Aoi was never able to stand the presence of the other long enough, always leaving the bedroom shortly after, spending the last hours till morning light wandering around, shaking off the feelings invading his mind.

 

What he didn’t know, though, was that Uruha seemed to know about his habit; he’d always

thought he other was too far gone anyway, exhaustion and alcohol catching up with him, leaving him passed out until the next morning.

 

“Well yeah, it’s my bed you know…”, Aoi looked at Uruha pointedly, ignoring the nagging feeling in his chest.

Unsure of how to retort to that, Uruha lowered his gaze in silence, noticing for the first time the clothes he was wearing. Throwing back the covers and sitting up, he looked down on himself, realizing the t-shirt and pants he was dressed in definitly weren’t his but Aoi’s.

 

“You… Did we…?”, he didn’t come anyfurther, Aoi interrupting him right away.

“Your clothes were completely soaked, Uruha. You were seriously reeking of alcohol. Me too by the way, your stuff managed to drip through my shirt as well,” Aoi’s voice was far too controlled for Uruha’s liking, but he didn’t dare to interrupt the other, a queasy feeling slowly spreading inside him.

“We showered. Well, I showered us, since you weren’t all that willing to help me… At least not in cleaning you up…,” trailing off Aoi sat up as well, looking him directly into the eyes from the other side of the bed.

“Did we…”, Uruha started but was far too emberassed to continue.

He quite often forgot about the details of their encounters, too much alcohol causing his memories to fog up in some way, but he never, seriously never, had forgotten about one of them at all. He could point out every single one, from their first time behind some shabby club downtown til the last one, some weeks ago.

“Have sex?”, Aoi prompted. Uruha only nodded.

“No, we didn’t. You tried pretty hard, though,” averting his eyes, Aoi sighed ,”As always when you’re drunk.”

Uruha swallowed hard. The air between them was sick with tension, slowly becoming suffocating. Of course Aoi had noticed Uruha’s drinking, it would have been pretty hard not to the least. Ever since the night he had confessed, Uruha had started to numb his mind with alcohol before confronting Aoi in any way possible, his behaviour mostly leading up to sex. It was just easier this way. He could pretend that Aoi loved him, that he wasn’t some cheap whore always crawling back to him. He could pretend Aoi’s touches meant more than just lust and arousal, he could pretend he saw love glimmering in those eyes, while he willingly spread his legs and eagerly begged for more.

 

Alcohol just made it easier to deal with Aoi leaving him alone and used afterwards, made it easier to pretend nothing had happened and just go on until he got another round.

“Were you drunk when you slept with Ruki?”, Aoi’s question broke the silence once again, only causing Uruha’s throat to tighten further, his heart to beat faster.

So that’s what Reita had told him.

Aoi wasn’t sure where his question came from and furthermore why exactly he had voiced it out loud, but now with his doubts out in the open he felt it was the right thing to do. He did want to know, in the end. He wanted to know if Ruki had been some kind of drunk-fuck as well, he wanted to know if Uruha needed to numb his mind for the other man, if he needed to feel the dizzyness of alcohol to invade his mind, to make him enjoy it, like he needed it with him.

 

“I didn’t sleep with Ruki,” Uruha had raised his gaze again, meeting Aoi’s on the way.

“Ruki came onto me, that’s true, but I pushed him away. There wasn’t a single thing going on. Ruki was drunk and lonely and I was just the first one to be there…”, even though being barely above a whisper, every word of Uruha spoke kept reverberating in Aoi’s head twice as loud, the word echoing blatantly over and over again.

“But Reita-“

“Reita got that wrong, Aoi!”, Uruha had raised his voice now, his eyes kept pleading Aoi to believe him. “Reita knows all to well that I-,” breaking off, he ran a hand through his hair, gripping the strands tightly.

“Knows what, Uruha?”, Aoi felt as if his heart could break his ribcage any second, a strange mix of emotions whirling in his mind.

 

Uruha hesitated, looking at Aoi again. He took a deep breath before practically forcing the words out of his mouth, “He knows… He knows that I love you.”

 

There it was. Out in the open. Again. Uruha braced himself for another laughing sound, for a slap in his face, the simple bang of a door being shut violently - but nothing came.

 

Aoi just stared at him, expression blank, wiped out from any emotions or thoughts, mouth shut, fueling the silence further.

“You’re not sober yet, are you?”, Aoi’s words hit him hard and unexpected, their meaning kept trickling in, the hurt and pain slowly spreading through his bones.

“I’m serious, Aoi,” it was a lame attempt to cover his despair but he had to try anyway.

“Yeah, right,”  Aoi’s own voice was heavy with sorrow ,”you always say that when you’re drunk, Uruha.”

“I don-“

“Oh, yes you do, Uruha!” Aoi was yelling now as well, the built up anger slowly creeping on the outside, finally breaking out of its restraints, “you goddamn do. Everytime you sleep with me, Uruha. Every. TIME.”

“It’s always the same pattern. You get downright drunk and afterwards you start coming on to me. We kiss, we grope, we fuck and just like that you keep saying how much you love me.”

 

Uruha stared at Aoi in a pure state of shock.

He hadn’t really been this drunk, had he?

A sudden urge to vomit overcame him, the shame he felt too much to bare. He was downright digusted with himself. He kept drinking to get his feelings under control, and all he ended up with was acting even more pathetic than actually being sober.

“And you know what’s the worst part of it all, Uruha?”, Aoi had lowered his voice again, causing a shiver to run through Uruha, alerting all of his senses at once.

“The worst part is that you don’t remember a fucking thing in the morning,” grabbing a random vase on the small cupboard next to him, Aoi threw it, the sharp sound of splittering porcelain reverberating through the room.

 

Gaping at the broken object in disbelieve, Uruha turned his shocked face to meet Aoi’s gaze, seriously ablaze with anger and hurt.

“Oh yeah?”, he answered. “So tell me Aoi, who of us laughed at me when I confessed to you the first time, huh? Who just leaves me behind wherever we happen to fuck, just like a used up toy, ready to grab for a second round later? Ever wondered it might be because of YOU I always get drunk?”, Uruha was screaming at Aoi as well, he wouldn’t just take all those accusations for good.

“Oh so you actually DO remember a thing, I guess?”, Aoi coughed mockingly,”Guess you don’t remember the night at the club, do you? Wouldn’t surprise me that much, just judging by the amount of alcohol you had consumed at that point. I told you I loved you too, Uruha. I goddamn told you. You confessed and I was so happy I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. We got home and I told you over and over again and you actually cried, you know. You told me you were so glad,” Uruha flinched at the words - every broken off sound, every gasp for air underlining Aoi’s upset state of mind was like a stab to his heart.

This couldn’t be true. This just wasn’t how it was meant to be, he couldn’t just have forgotten…

 

“The next morning you didn’t remember a thing, Uruha,” his voice softer again, Aoi slumped down at the end of the bed, head hanging low, face hidden behind black strands of hair.

“You just didn’t… You were all awkward and unsure and left in such a hurry,” Uruha remembered his behaviour clearly. He had been upset with himself, insecure of how to proceed and, most of all, he had been just so certain that Aoi saw all of this as one big mistake.

He had felt pathetic and stupid, making such a fool of himself, practically molesting Aoi and ending up in being some kind of convenient one night stand.

“The next time we got together, we both had been drunk and, well… You confessed again,” Aoi raised his view, a bitter smile grazing his features, “I was so hurt, Uruha. I just didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, I just felt so pathetic, so hurt and dumb. That’s why I ended up laughing. I laughed at myself, because I felt happy again, even if I knew you were wasted, it was just the alcohol and sex speaking, even if you would probably not even remember the sex itself, I just felt so downright happy because you said you loved me.”

Uruha just stared at Aoi, unable to process what had been said. He had been such a fool all along. Aoi loved him and all he had offered him was drunk sex, hurt and self-pity; he seriously felt like crying out loud, screaming out the pain flarring in his chest.

 

“That’s why I leave everytime, Uruha. I thought you wouldn’t notice anyway. I thought you were too far gone, not caring anyway,” Aoi trailed off, locking eyes with Uruha again, “Do you care, Uruha?”

 

Uruha felt as if his heart was breaking all over again, the lost look in Aoi’s eyes shattering the restraints, tears now falling freely.

 

“I am so sorry, Aoi, I,” breaking off with a shuddering sob, Uruha wiped his bandaged hands over his eyes, the soft cotton slowly soaking with hot tears.

“I-I thought you didn’t love me. I thought I was just convenient, easy to fool around with and just as easily disposed. That night I… I was just too drunk, all I know is how good it felt and how happy I was, but I just didn’t know…”, another sob shook Uruha’s frame violently ,”I am just so sorry, Aoi.”

 

Uruha’s eyes searched for Aoi’s, yearning to get lost in those brown orbs again, “I love you, Aoi. I do…”.

“I love you too,” holding Uruha’s gaze Aoi bit his lip, hope glimmering in his eyes, breaking through the clouds of hurt and despair.

 

Crawling over, he leaned in close, eyes still locked with Uruha’s as if asking for permission to go further. Without a word Uruha closed the gap between them, their lips meeting gently.

The kiss was soft, hesitant. The air around them was still swaying with held back emotions, insecureness and fear of rejection. Uruha’s lips were wet and salty with tears, moving tentatively at Aoi’s, returning the soft caressing of Aoi’s own, their breaths mingling between them.

 

It was Aoi who broke the kiss and who, sitting back on his heels again, looked at Uruha intently. Wiping his eyes once again, Uruha tried to meet Aoi’s gaze and was met with a bright smile shining with pure joy and happiness.

Smiling back, Uruha just couldn’t stop crying, the odd mix of relief, joy, guilt and sorrow forcing its way out in the open, washing over him in neverending waves.

 

Aoi reached out, gently stroking his thumb over Uruha’s cheek, trying to stop the wet trail of tears there,”No need to cry anymore, Uru.” Slowly leaning in, their lips met in another kiss.

 


	11. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to skip the explicit content, now would be your chance. :)

Not breaking the kiss, Aoi gently pushed Uruha back, the other lying down beneath him, reaching up and locking his hands behind Aoi’s neck. Gazing at Uruha lovingly, Aoi smiled, resting his forehead on Uruha’s, simply breathing in their mixed scent and relishing in their shared warmth.

He was still unsure of what to think about all this, how far he could trust Uruha, how much the other would remember in the end, but he was desperate to believe it would work out this time, desperate to hold on to the last sparks of hope glimmering inside him, slowly catching fire.

Sensing Aoi’s insecureness, Uruha drew back one of his hands, letting his fingertips travel over Aoi’s exposed arms, finally reaching for his palm and entwining their hands, trying to convey all the love and guilt he felt, his other hand still resting at the nape of Aoi’s neck, stroking over the soft skin, playing with lose strands of hair.

He felt a calloused hand tugging at the hem of his shirt, and smiling in the kiss once again, Uruha wriggled slightly, eager to feel more.

Slender fingers started to roam over his belly, exploring the skin of his chest, teasingly circling his nipple. Uruha moaned deeply as he felt the soft bud being pinched, his hands only holding on tighter to Aoi, his body arching into the tender touch.

It was different this night, he thought. Everything was slower, softer and so much more intense. Aoi’s hands felt like small butterflies caressing his skin, sending shivers all over his body and fueling the passion between them.

Tonight, Aoi took his time, he explored, relished in every moan and whimper Uruha offered him; he made love to Uruha tonight, poured everything he felt into his touch.

Tugging at the offending clothing, Aoi pulled Uruha’s shirt over said one’s head, gazing down at him lovingly before leaning down and capturing one of his nipples with his mouth.

Uruha moaned again, clinging to Aoi desperately, the wave of pleasure hitting him hard. Without the blurry haze of alcohol, his defenses were down, his body more vulnerable, his mind exposed without the barrier.

Scolding himself inwardly, Uruha bit his lower lip unconsciously, asking himself again why he had been so desperate to believe that alcohol would ease his pain. On the long run, he had ended up with hurting Aoi badly, having never experienced just how much care Aoi had always taken of him.

The thumb stroking gently over his cheek brought Uruha back into reality to meet Aoi’s hesitant gaze.

“Uruha…?”, Aoi’s voice was wavering slightly, his face shifting somewhere between concern, fright and insecurity.

Not trusting himself to find the right words, Uruha leaned up again, pressing his lips at the corner of Aoi’s mouth before carefully reaching under the hem of the other’s shirt, caressing the bare skin beneath the cotton. Aoi’s breath hitched as Uruha traced the muscles of his lower belly gently, finally pulling the cloth over Aoi’s head, then pulling him down  for another kiss again.

He sighed contently as he felt Aoi’s tongue prodding at his lips, his hands roaming over the other’s lower back, trying to map out the body above him, the combined feeling of Uruha’s soft hands and the cotton of his bandages sending shivers down Aoi’s spine.

Unable to control himself any further, Uruha reached down between them, gently caressing the hardness forming below.

Hissing in pleasure, Aoi looked at Uruha before breaking the kiss, slowly kissing down the other’s neck, nibbling at the protruding collar bone, then sighed as Uruha grabbed his hair tighter, moaning deeply.

Aoi couldn’t remember the last time Uruha had been this responsive. The other’s moans were driving him crazy, the desperate grip on his hair was almost painful, but nevertheless new. Uruha’s scent, once not covered with the reek of alcohol, kept tickling his nose and for once this meant more than just fucking the other, more than just ravishing him, ignoring the nagging feeling of guilt and self-abhorrence, all overcome by lust.

Uruha really loved him; had told him while being completely sober and he had chosen to believe him, but the insecureness remained.

Now facing the other’s hipbone, Aoi proceeded further and gently nuzzled the soft skin above the waistband of Uruha’s boxers with his nose, his mouth just barely brushing over the other’s straining cock.

The small whimper above him broke his train of thought and, gazing up, he was met with Uruha’s glassy eyes, shimmering with love. His lips were parted, still glistening with their mingled saliva, and ruffled strands of hair kept wavering slightly with his harsh breathing, covering parts of his flushed face.

The sight alone caused a shivering wave of pleasure to crush down on Aoi’s body, his own erection now straining nearly painfully against his boxers. Blood rushing in his ears, he took a deep breath and hooked his thumbs below the waistband, forcing the last piece of clothing down.

Another moan hit his ears as Uruha’s cock sprang free, Aoi’s hot breath soothing the shock of the cool air instantly.

Uruha knew it wouldn’t do any good to push Aoi into things. The other’s insecureness was pouring out of every pore, the slight hesitation telling him all he needed to know. The worst about all this was the fact that he could comprehend why his lover behaved the way he did. He knew his own behaviour had caused all this and the knowledge hurt him more than any shard could ever have.

He still felt like crying. Crying out of guilt and hurt, crying out because of the unfairness of it all, the pain they had both gone trough, but nevertheless, joy kept overriding his mind, pure unadultered joy for all he had now, for all Aoi was giving him, and the sheer force of it kept swelling in his heart, forcing his eyes to glisten with unshed tears.

Arching into the touch, Uruha moaned deeply, his body shivering with excitement as Aoi’s wet tongue slowly licked its way up his straining erection, teasingly swirling at the tip, savouring the first salty drops of precum gathering there.

His own hands hurt from the grip he still held on Aoi’s scalp and he was sure they would be dripping blood again by now, but he didn’t care. This was about Aoi now, this was about proving how much he loved the other, how much he regretted.

Watching Uruha’s reaction, Aoi was slightly taken aback. They had done this before; more than once, but never had he experienced the pure look of pleasure on Uruha’s face. He had never felt the grip on his hair to be exact, he had never seen the other so intense, so seemingly lost in pleasure, always scolding himself inwardly for his own feelings of deep affection.

This was new again, and he felt his heart flutter with the realization, another surge of hope and love kept welling up in his chest.

Releasing Uruha’s cock with a wet pop, Aoi sat back on his heel and looked at his lover beneath him, and the small whimper he earned caused him to smile softly.

Uruha opened his eyes slowly, seemingly confused why Aoi had stopped, his mind racing with thoughts and possible reasons.

Without saying another word, Aoi reached forward, rummaging through the drawer of his night stand, pulling out a single condom and a bottle of lube and finally meeting Uruha’s worried eyes.

Holding out both items toward the other, Aoi smiled again,”Would you…?”.

Uruha gulped. This was a first again. He had never topped but always eagerly spread his legs, always willingly taken what Aoi had offered. This had never been a problem for him, though. It was alright as long as he’d gotten to feel Aoi, to be with him and in the end he had never even thought about reversing their roles, but obviously Aoi had and Uruha felt another sharp pang of guilt in his chest.

Sitting up, he reached out cautiously, his eyes not leaving Aoi’s still searching for an explanation,”We’ve never…”.

“I…”, Aoi broke off. Of course they never had changed positions. Uruha had been far too drunk anyway, but he wouldn’t bring that up now. It didn’t change how he felt about it, though. Aoi loved Uruha, he loved him every time they had sex and he was more than willing to give his partner everything he craved, but at the same time, he deeply wished for his partner to experience the pleasure he felt everytime they got together. He wanted Uruha to be his equal in every sense, wanted to offer him everything he had - and if that meant to bottom, Aoi was more than willing to submit himself to Uruha.

A shy nod was the final answer he got, and Aoi couldn’t help himself to close the distance between them for another kiss, slowly leaning back against the covers and taking Uruha down with him.

Uruha’s hand travelled down playfully, mapping out the hard muscles on Aoi’s stomach before gently stroking over his still clothed erection. Withouth further hesitation, he felt the cloth being forced down, slender fingers now meeting hot flesh.

A deep moan escaped Aoi’s lips, the pleasure taking over his mind again.

Uruha kept on caressing Aoi gently, reaching over for the bottle of lube hesitantly. He was probably as insecure as Aoi right now, unsure of how to prepare him without hurting him, but willing to please him all the more.

Spreading a generous amount of lube in his hand, Uruha tried to meet Aoi’s gaze once again, silently praying for all this to turn out right. He simply couldn’t screw this up now.

Aoi smiled at him, nodding shortly, and Uruha took a deep breath again before pushing his finger behind the tight ring of muscles.

Wriggling slightly, Aoi tried to get used to the feeling, forcing himself to calm down, to relax, but while his mind knew, his body just wouldn’t cooperate. Uruha felt Aoi clench painfully tight around his finger, the pain the small movements caused was written all over the other’s face, a certain stubborness still remaining there nonetheless.

Unsure of how to proceed, Uruha did the first thing coming to his mind, leaned down and gently nuzzled Aoi’s lower belly with his nose and lips, scrapping his teeth over the firm muscles now and than, caressing every patch of skin he could reach.

He heard Aoi taking in a sharp breath before he leaned into the touch just the slightest, slowly relaxing beneath Uruha.

Slowly resuming his movements, Uruha darted out his tongue, leaving a hot trail of saliva on Aoi, then blowing the wet skin with his breath, smiling as he felt the small tremble shaking the body under his touches, relishing in every moan and whimper Aoi emitted.

Adding a second finger wasn’t as difficult as Uruha had suspected, and slowly he felt Aoi coming apart on his touch, pushing back on his fingers hesitantly, yearning for the friction.

“-ruha,” scissoring the other with three fingers now, Uruha looked up, his own cock throbbing painfully hard at the sight of Aoi, face flushed, lips wide apart, hot pants and moans dripping from them like little gems.

“Need you,” was all he breathed before throwing back his head in ecstasy as Uruha hit the small bundle of nerves inside him, a guttural moan escaping his throat.

Sitting back on his heels, Uruha scrambled to get the condom Aoi had given him, rolling it over his own erection and lubing himself up, not breaking eye contact with his lover once.

He crawled at Aoi’s side, his back leaning at the headboard of said one’s bed.

Patting his lap, Uruha smiled at Aoi. “Come here.”

Biting his lip insecurely, Aoi settled into the other’s lap, Uruha’s erection nudging his entrance just the slightest, his hands resting protectively on his hips,”Together.”

He was afraid, there was no way of denying it. Aoi knew this would hurt a lot more than the preparation, knew it would be an unusual feeling. Nevertheless, he knew it would be worth the pain, already had been. Uruha would take care of him, he could trust the other man and right now, he wanted this just as badly as Uruha did.

Easing himself down, he felt Uruha’s hands guiding him gently, the feeling of being filled overcoming the pain slowly, and after a short pause, he started to rock his hips tentatively.

Uruha groaned as the pleasure hit him, the position forcing him to hold back his own need, offering Aoi a chance to set the pace insteadt of falling prey to Uruha’s uncontrollable passion, their bodies still as close as possible, their bodies practically molding together.

Hesitantly, Aoi lifted his hips slowly only to impale himself on Uruha once again, gasping at the sudden sensation the motion caused, Uruha’s grip on his hips only tightening further.

They built up a rhythm, Aoi practically bouncing in Uruha’s lap, meeting the other’s sharp thrusts half way, the slender hands on his hips guiding him gently, causing his prostate to be hit on sharply with every trust.

He had lost himself in the thick, sweet cloud of pleasure completely, moans kept spilling out of his mouth without restraint, dropping from his sweat glistening lips like small droplets of water, fueling Uruha’s passion all the more.

Aoi’s cock was trapped between them, kept rubbing against his stomach and leaving a wet trail of precum causing his partner to practically rut against him in search of friction and Uruha felt his orgasm approaching rapidly, every thrust of his hips, every reaction Aoi offered only pushing him further.

Aoi was close, just so close, and as Uruha’s right hand left his by now probably bruised hip, he couldn’t help but cry out at the sharp stroke his cock received. Burying his face in Uruha’s neck, he felt the familiar warmth pour into his belly, and with a deep growl, brightness and aireness overtook his mind and he came hard all over Uruha’s hand, still stroking him gently through the waves of pleasure.

He didn’t slow down, though, and with a final trust, he felt Uruha’s come filling him, the deep moan ringing in his ears and the other’s head resting on his chest heavily, his hot breath on Aoi’s sweaty skin sending a tingling sensation through every vein of his over-sensitive body.

Leaning in close, his lips brushed over Uruha’s ear, tugging at some lose strands, nuzzling at the soft skin.

“I love you,” the words were whispered, almost inaudible and shy; fragile in the slowly cooling air, hovering between them delicately, pure and pristine.

Uruha looked up and his eyes met Aoi’s own, a whirl of emotions passing between them, unspoken and wild. ”I love you too. I really, really do.”

Relief flooded trough Aoi’s veins, enveloping him in a warm embrace, lifting his spirits, and as Uruha’s lips met his once again, he felt like this could really work out, this was right; for once, they had gotten it right.

* * *

 

“Ouch…”, Aoi gave Uruha an apologetic look, kissing the wounded skin of Uruha’s hands softly. Tossing the blood and semen soaked bandages on the night stand, he gently wrapped those slender hands in soft cotton again, scolding himself inwardly for not having paid more attention to his lover’s injuries.

“There you go,” sitting back on his heels, Aoi watched as Uruha wriggled his fingers tentatively, testing Aoi’s work, a small smile playing on his lips as he felt strong arms pulling him in, holding him tightly, making him feel safe and secure.

Uruha huddled even closer into Aoi’s embrace, breathing in the scent of his lover and relishing in the feeling of being able to hold him close, to feel loved and to love him back just as much, just as deeply.

“You know,” Aoi broke the silence, still combing his fingers through Uruha’s hair, tugging at a strand here and there playfully,”When we first slept together, I did that too.”

“What?”, Uruha was gazing up at Aoi.

“I caressed your belly to soothe you…,” trailing of his eyes slowly met Uruha’s ,”You do remember, Uruha.”

Pulling the other into a tender kiss again, Aoi carefully stroked away the tears gathering in Uruha’s eyes, dripping down one by one.

It would be alright now, he knew it, everything had finally fallen back into place.

 


End file.
